Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
