so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
