im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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