I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
