Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
