the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
