My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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