I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
