her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
