I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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