apparently the secret to your success is patron
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
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Strip Mario-Kart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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