This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
