Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
