alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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