threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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