in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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