____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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