he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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