No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
