i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
