What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
