Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Sext me about skeletons
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
