My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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