i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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