At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
