remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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