Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
