I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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