I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
