also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
