I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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