you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
