grandma shit on top of the toilet
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
