nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
