I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
