She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
