dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
