Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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