if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
