i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I have aggressive nipples.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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