I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
