you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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