ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
