I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
