god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
