Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
