I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
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He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
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Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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