Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
