what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
