Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
