is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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