you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I love having hate sex.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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