when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
