That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
there is puke in my bra ... again
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