come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
