Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
