I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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