I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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