I cannot find my penis.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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