Well douche your snatch and let's go!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
