I have demons in me.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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