I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
